So, a topic of conversation in recent months has been about friends and family. I have another question for you, just for discussion, not pertaining to any one situation.
How obligated do you feel to be friends with your family? How willing are you to be family with your friends? Does being related by blood or marriage automatically bump someone up on the list of priorities of people to befriend? Why or why not?
I have several conflicting emotions on this one. On the one hand, I love my family deeply. ALL of my family, blood and marriage ties. I care about their wellbeing, their happiness. I want THEM to care about mine. BUT. There is no one who can hurt me so deep as a family member. It makes me want to back off a bit, not let them "in" so much, because in a moment of carelessness they could really hurt me. Now if some of these people weren't related to me, ( again, blood or marriage, this is not any particular situation) maybe would just steer clear of them; nice enough people, but not really my cup of tea in the friend department. When I befriend someone I do it all the way. The full monty, no holds barred. Nothing ( in my eyes) stands between me and that friendship. It's kind of like marriage; there may be fights, we may not always see eye to eye, but the friendship is so deep and meaningful ( to me) that there is no fear that we won't work through it and be as closely tied on the other end as we were in the beginning. I MAKE my friends MY "Family".
With "real" family members, this is an assumed tie. You can't "divorce" or "break up" with family. If there is a fight, a disagreement, you can't just walk away. You HAVE to deal with it in some way or another because this is your FAMILY. You will be SEEING them, your children are related to them, your life WILL include them. It makes me want to only have "safe", (perhaps a bit shallow?) relationships with family, no risks of serious hurt feelings, no risks of anything. That way you are never in an uncomfrotable position with them. Is that fair to your family? Not sure. But part of me feels a need to protect myself.
I have recently learned that no matter how hard I try, I can't change others. I can't change how they act, I can't change how they see things. I can't MAKE them listen to me, to see things the way I see them. I can't fight for a friendship all by myself. They have to fight too. That was a hard lesson to learn. I might be in it for the long haul, but maybe they aren't. Family friends are different. They are stuck being "friendly" with you because you are family, but just being family doesn't mean that they are your friend. Or perhaps BECAUSE they are family you are required to work harder to be their friend? Even if you wouldn't necessarily choose them otherwise? Or are you? Why? Am I rambling here? Does this make sense at all? I think I'm rambling. Anyway, this topic has been on top of my brain for a long time now and I needed to spit it out somewhere so I can free up thinkin' space for other things.
I really would like your opinion on this.
3 comments:
Boy you sure are in the mood to attack the hard stuff.
No relationship can be assumed.
You are not guaranteed that your spouses parents will like you. You are not guaranteed that their siblings will like you - hell you aren't even guaranteed that your own sibling will ALWAYS think you are the next best thing to sliced bread. I know lots of people who do not like one of their own siblings and they either do not attend the same family functions or they just stay way away from each other.
I am like you. I love deeply and I hurt deeply. Minor things I am quick to forgive but if you break my trust or cause me a huge amount of hurt it will be a long time before I am comfortable with you again. When I get really hurt I am wary of that person for a long time. Trust and respect takes time to be earned back. And it has to be earned....being family you cannot assume that it will just be given to you.
I think we do make special allowances for blood relatives especially or our spouses blood relatives. I think that when push comes to shove a lot of times blood is thicker than water and if you are the married in kind of family you find yourself on the outside of the fence. Depends on the situation.
BASICALLY, it a lot of times comes down to personality and the amount of work each is willing to put into it. I would say that my brother is closer to my cousins than I am to either he or them but when push comes to shove he is there for me and he would stick up for me if the situation called for it. Now does my brother love me less or me him? No! But he and they put a lot more work into having more of a relationship than he and I do. They have more in common. They see each other more. They call each other more. I don't play PlayStation.
Okay so I rambled on and on ....what was it you wanted to know?
Oh yeah, I put time and effort into relationships that the other party is willing to put time and effort into the relationship too. The ones that aren't I can honestly say that I try and then I give up- family or friends alike. If I call you up or see you somewhere and I say "so..how are you?" and you say "good" and then we have these like 30 second intervals of silence or I am chasing you around for a relationship...always calling you..always emailing you and I get very little effort from your side...well...I probably won't put too much more into if but I will make nice when I see you. The most important thing is...if you aren't willing to put a little work in then you shouldn't whine and bitch when you are left out. Am I jealous of my bro's relationship with my cousins? Yep. Do I blame them or him? Nope. So, I started doing things with them, making sure I saw them when I was in town and guess what? Last weekend one of them came and saw me and spent the weekend! How cool is that?
Sorry to ramble....I just feel your pain!
Wow yeah this conversation has been one that I personally have had to deal with the past year. I used to live in a little bubble of thinking everything was okay but then the bubble burst and my thoughts were changed. So to answer your question no I don't feel obligated to be "friends" with my family by blood or marriage. Do I feel obligated to be civil, yes but not friends where we go hang out or talk on the phone about day to day stuff. With friends I don't think I let them in like family either. There is only one friend I have that I would consider like family and that relationship has been built longer than my marriage has been! We've had ups and downs but we always come together in the end. Okay there's my partial opinon on this topic! Sounds like you have a lot going on right now!
I think, for me, because they are friends I try to keep things peaceful, never saying when someone does something to hurt or upset me, just slowly easing them out of my life. If I don't want to hurt the friendship I might push the person away for a while until I think the issues can be resolved without ruining the friendship. I don't love easily and I DON'T trust easily...It feels safer that way.
With family (my family) I'm very upfront about my feelings and what they say or do will always hurt me more than anything a friend would say. As far as my family by marriage, I don't feel a true loving relationship with any of them, really. I feel a pseudo-friendship...They like me because Jason loves me kind of thing. There's no true comfort level with them, like with my own family. Part of the problem is that I'm so different than them and I go around thinking that I can change someone else's opinion if they just take into account mine or someone who differs from theirs'. I'm too opinionated and too direct about things and I think that's where I get into trouble. And I'm never willing to cut them a break, never wanting to compromise with them. With my own family, I bend over backwards trying to keep them happy, but I risk hurting my husband in the process I guess. I have to learn that this is my family, here with Jason, Seb & Shan, and whether I like it or not, there are some things I just have to say "NO!" to. I don't know why, but I always feel obligated to whatever demands my family has but not so much my friends. No matter what, family will always come first, I'm very loyal, but I have to find a happy-medium for the rest, I guess. :)
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