( Oh, the Google hits!)
Life as one of four is rather grand. Although new, our little family is rather awesome in it's squareness. Raegan is getting used to being the older sister and Kael is getting used to being banged in the head or having a binky forced down his throat. All in all, things are good around here.
All this goodness got Matt and I to chattin'. That boy has been mentally signed up for the ol' snip-snip since he was 17 and we were first dating. He said he didn't want kids.. rriiiiiiight. He said he just wanted one a few years later. Uh huh. As maturity set in we discussed babs and agreed that we'd have two. This was, of course, before we knew how difficult getting pregnant would be for us. Once that little tidbit became obvious all thoughts of "family planning" and limiting our children went out the bedroom door. The focus went from how to stop babies to how to start them. Raegan was hard. Mentally and physically, getting pregnant with Raegan was a BIG deal. Time and money, planning this, scheduling that, it was hard.
Then we got pregnant with Kael.
Shock. Seriously, shock. We had just begun discussing baby number two when we discovered I was pregnant...had just started putting together a financial plan that would allow another full blown attempt at this whole procreation thing. Had a 2 year plan. Those two pink lines were the most awesome sight ever.
So now Kael is almost 2 months old. I had my checkup and doc starts in on what I should be doing to prevent baby number 3. HARD to wrap my mind around, that prevention. I've spent the better part of the last 3.5 years thinking prevention was a waste of time, money, energy. Now he wants me to think about it again. I went home in a bit of a funk.. DID I want to prevent a pregnancy? We'd gotten pregnant once without any medical help, we could get pregnant again. A huge part of me screams NO! No way will I walk down the prevention road! It just seems wrong, somehow. It's like some perverted part of me wants to have more children simply because I can. The idea that I CAN is such a huge thought. We were only "infertile" for a short time.... but those months, that time in my head, was an eternity. For a while there, that was my defining characteristic... who I WAS, in my head. Preventing a pregnancy now would take my label away.... take away this identity that I had created for myself. Or would it.. and if it did, was that a bad thing? I look at Kael and realize that although I did live in that hell for a while, I am not there anymore. I'll never go back..... and I never want to RISK going back there either. It was a dark and depressing time in my life.. feeling like my body had failed me. Like I had failed at the one thing that I knew, just KNEW I'd be good at! I mean, I come from birthin' stock! Fertile and large families all around me! Well, I can't go there again. I don't want to desire a 3rd child only to find out that we can't have one. Better to know I'll never carry another child, perminent, etc then to want to carry one and not be able to do so. Just because we got a "freebie" with Kael doesn't mean the hell before Raegan won't come back. And I can't risk that.
So. We're done. I love us as four, and am happy with staying that way. If, later in life, we decide we're pretty good at this parenting gig and would like to have more kiddies to parent we'll go a non-genetic route and adopt our children. The genetic tie isn't an important one to us.
So... the title.
Matt is egar to sign up for his surgery. I am egar to have the mental worry behind me. I had previously agreed he could have his "nip" when Kael was a year old, just to be sure we were done. I'm sure now. Is this a premature decision? Should we wait on this perminent alteration? Why am I spewing out all this info to you, the internet? Because you internets are all my family and friends and give advice knowing us personally. And some of you are complete strangers with no bias. I'd really like feedback on this one. To cut or not to cut, that is the question.
OK, GO.
8 comments:
BIG decision baby! I think if you "know" then you "know" it is the right time to do it.
If you any big doubts then DO NOT do it. Any form of medical procedure such as tubal or vasectomy should be considered permanent!
You are absolutely right about the adoption thing. There are a lot of kids out there needing good parents.
Also, there are a lot of good parents out there needing time to be adults. To continue their marriage on other planes than just children.
I have seen too many of my friends and some older ones than get their last kid out of high school, look at each other and don't know their spouse because they were so focused on the kids and they are no longer married.
Lots of facets to this diamond. Go with your gut.
We have lots of friends with the guys "fixed" and we are all EXTREMELY happy!
I mean like big doubts - not the little ones.
I say cut. Lets bear in mind also that the older you get the less likely you are to have the textbook pregnancies and deliveries that you have been so far blessed with. Also, I think that if you both feel ready for this step you should take it.
Don't think of it as restricting the size of you family. Instead, think of it as preserving the dynamic you have as a foursome and ensuring your children's share of your time and attention!
If you need blogland to help you decide... you aren't ready to snip.
That said, the more children you have, the less you will be able to do for the ones you already have, financially. I know family isn't about money, but I know I can't wait for ballet lessons, piano lessons, school supplies, trendy shoes, Disneyland, taking them out for dinner, to the movies, etc. It all adds up, and I don't want to deprive my children of all the fun extras and stay home because I can't afford to take them anywhere. That's part of the fun of having kids! Oh, I know, there are tons of free activities out there, so don't blast me, but I don't want to be limited. I want to do what I want to do, not what I can afford to do.
Actually Davinie, I agree with you! I want to PLAY with my kids, and it's hard to play with a toddler when you're also caring for an infant... and if we did have a 3rd, Raegan would be the one paying for that. Also, I am really looking forward to going back to work. I miss the adult interactions and I miss bringing home a paycheck. If all works out as we hope, Matt will finish school and I'll start. But none of that can happen till our youngest is in pre-school as we have already decided we don't want to have them in daycare full time as infants-toddlers. No, I definately only want these 2 bio kids. But would it be foolish to make that an ABSOLUTE decision right now? I don't think so.
When you know, you know. Me, I don't know.... so I am not doing anything yet. But some people just know. That could be you.
Morgan's opinion:
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Thank you Morgan. All imput is appreciated!
Do you wobble on the fence BECAUSE of other people's opinions? When we made this decision we had a lot of other people giving us the "that is so final" line.
You are right-- it is final. The biggest reason we did it was not because of losing a child and almost losing Jax - it was all the points that Davine makes with the icing on the cake being the above reasons.
We no longer live in a world where you need 8 kids to work the farm. It is harder and harder to make ends meet and our schedules are busier and busier. I think two is the perfect number. Think of how much everything costs for two! This year I will spend like $600 just for school clothes and supplies. That is just going to go up due to inflation and as the kids grow up their tastes get more expensive and clothes from WalMart or Target will not suffice. Then there are sports. To even play sports in school it costs A LOT of money - let's not even talk about college!
Heck, look at how much extra laundry one little person can add to your chore load.
As a daycare provider, I think that it is really important to raise your child but keep in mind that daycare is not ALL evil. Find a good daycare that shares your parenting philosophy when the time is right. I can give you a list of good questions to ask. The daycare provider is important in the sense that she is part of the team helping your child to grow and you wouldn't want a white supremisist teaching the positive sides of Adolph Hitler as the preschool lesson. Unless of course you are into that kind of thing.
Listen to everyone's advice but go with what your heart tells you. I think you already know. Davine's advice and your reply are very well said and I think your answer.
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